apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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