Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Sex in the backyard? Check.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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