Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
