oh well at that point I was already depressed with life because I had watched the bratz movie.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
