I looked at my own cervix.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
Randomize
