I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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