wakey wakey hands off snakey
from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
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