Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Randomize
