Hope the move went well! I'll miss you!
you are a cunt and I hated living with you and your skeezy boyfriend.Just thought I'd get that out there.
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
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