Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
