gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
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