My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
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I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
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And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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