Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Randomize
