I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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