I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
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