i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Randomize
