Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
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