You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
