why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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