just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Randomize
