What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
