If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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