You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
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