but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
you never un-have a 4some
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
