Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
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mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
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My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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