I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
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