I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
Randomize
