On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
