On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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