I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
I need water and some morals
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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