non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
