dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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