no one should ever give us hovercrafts
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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