Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Randomize
