Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
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