Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
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I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
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I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
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