I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
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I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
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I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
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