The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
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Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
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Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
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