I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
