I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
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