He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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