After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
These 19 Men’s Fashion Mistakes are Unforgivable, According to Women
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
were you high?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
25 Cringeworthy Below the Pants Injuries
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole