I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
Some Animals Are Total Jerks (10+ pics)
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
23 Roommates Share Secrets Their Roomie Thinks They Don’t Know
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...