Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Randomize
