Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
