Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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