I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
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