I wish my penis had an off switch
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Randomize
