I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
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