I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Randomize
