I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
