I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
