If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I just want nice things and good sex
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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