my vag is so smooth its legendary
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
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There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
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i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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