Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Even my vagina gasped.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Randomize
