so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
she looked like the before picture.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
I smell like Dick and happiness
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
