she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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